Posted in Life, Mentality

2021 RECAP

Starting to stream, receiving a huge boost, finding new friends through streaming, increasing my work hours, losing my job… So many things have happened…

Hi, I’m back! 2021 definitely was a roller coaster from start to finish. Strap yourselves in folks, this is gonna be a long one.

So I recently cracked open my, admittedly very failed, Bullet Journal for 2021 (the last spread I did was April…but let’s not talk about that now shall we? πŸ˜…) and realized that almost all of the things that I wrote at the very beginning of the year, the things that 2021 should be filled with, 2021 has actually been filled with.

Happiness, ideas, togetherness, positivity, hugs, luck, laughter, growth, opportunities and many more…

But there were also multiple things that went less than ideal. So let’s start the recap, shall we?

As you may or may not know, I started streaming last year in April. Pretty much along the same time, I opened this blog and began writing blog posts. Was, unfortunately, not really able to keep up with it, but more on that and why I’m hoping to change that again in a bit. Pretty soon after I had started streaming, I was insanely lucky to receive a huge boost, for which I will be forever grateful, and suddenly there were people actually watching and caring about what I did. It was an incredible feeling and I was extraordinarily happy. So happy that I wished I could do it all the time. However, I was still working part time and had even recently increased my hours, because I had actually managed to get myself a bachelor’s degree and wanted to focus a bit more on working instead of uni. Didn’t mean that I wanted to stop focusing on uni completely, but at that point we had summer holidays, so stuff worked out, but boy was I naive to think that it would continue being that way. (Spoiler: It didn’t.)

Summer holidays also meant I had more time for being social, which was great, considering I had actually found new friends via streaming. Didn’t think it was actually possible to get this close with people you’ve never met in real life, but the internet, chatting and video phoning did it’s job and we knew pretty quickly that we wanted to meet in real life. All of that required planning and since I was the only one that was working every single day, we had to plan that around that somehow. It worked out, but it certainly wasn’t ideal, however, it wasn’t as if I could have just taken time off anytime someone was coming, so it was what it was.

As the summer faded, work became more and more demanding, which is not a surprise considering more hours meant more responsibility, and I quickly realized that I probably wouldn’t be able to continue as things were, but I tried. I tried to squeeze everyhing I could into the day: work, stream, blog, other socials, uni, workout, social life, at that point also a relationship and free time/time where I took care of myself. Needless to say, it didn’t work out and multiple fights, mental break downs, lost sleep and lost weight, due to simply not having the time to eat, were the result of the lifestyle that I was living, but I tried to keep going. My friends became more and more concerend about me and my health and tried to make me see that I was already at my limit and wouldn’t be able to continue, but I was stubborn.

Then came September, October and the beginning of November. Now, sorry, I know that sounds all dramatic and stuff, like something along the lines of “everything changed when the fire nation attacked” but it was sorta dramatic. At the end of September I lost my, what I thought was a stable job, due to economical reasons. This was a first for me and I knew that I had 6 weeks in order to find something new. I wanted to give Twitch a chance, but doing that meant that I had to see whether or not I could make it work. So I increased my stream hours, while simultaneously looking for a new job, because I didn’t think it would work out financially otherwise.

The next one and half months were hell. Uni had picked back up and that meant that I had even less time for the stuff I was doing. So there I was, trying to manage a week with about 12-15 hours of streaming, 15 hours of work, about 2-3 hours of uni each day, doing organisatory and bureaucracy stuff for the stream, trying not to fry my social life completely, being there for the people who needed me, trying to keep my relationship from completely breaking appart and doing the bare minimum to keep my soul from leaving my body, in order to find a more responsible vessel… Yeah… I don’t think that I need to tell you that this is definitely not something you should do.

Relief came with a talk that I had with my parents, who told me that for now I don’t have to worry about finding something new. That I should give Twitch a chance. That I should cut back at work to do the necessary but not more and also cut back at uni, since I have a degree already and can always focus on uni again, once the other things are sorted out. I am so insanely grateful to them for being as supportive as they are. Yes, I may be 25 years old and no longer need the approval from my parents, but knowing that they do support you is just absolutely incredible. From then on things began to be a bit easier. It was still stressful but the insane pressure lessened. Unfortunately, my relationship did end up falling appart, but I’m not gonna elaborate on that any further. It just didn’t work out, because we had different views.

For the rest of the year I fell into a somewhat comfortable rythm. Doing uni, which sadly started being online again, so my motivation for that flew out of the window never to be seen again pretty quickly, and streaming in between. And for a while that worked out pretty well. However, towards the end of the year and beginning this year I started to notice that something wasn’t right. I felt frustrated and angry with myself and didn’t even know why for some time. After a while I realized that it was, because I wasn’t being as productive as I’d liked to be and that wasn’t happy anymore with the quality of the content I was producing. Granted, I was also dealing with some health issues, but my mentality plummeted and I felt drained more often than not. On top that I felt like I wasn’t improving anymore. I had lost my fire and had gotten too comfortable. I had completely stopped producing any sort of other content other than stream and I had gotten bored of myself, my own content.

All of this I realized with a clarity when I woke up one day, after a horrid night’s sleep, and my head just started screaming at me. All of my insecurities, self-doubt and every negative thought I’ve ever had about myself were there all of a sudden and they were so loud. After I had finally found a way to make them quieten down again, I knew with a clarity that this wasn’t how things can continue. I needed to change something. What those changes are gonna be exactly, is at the point of writing this post still up in the air. I’m hoping to use this week to clean up some “constuction zones” that are currently open, reorganize myself and figure out not if but how I’m gonna continue this adventure I’m currently on.

However, one of the things that I already know that I wanna change, is to create other content besides streaming again, including blog posts. The plan is to do at least one a week, even if it’s just someting I ramble about and it’s less elaborate than this one right here. Some of the other things that I wanna work out is my own health – mentally and physically. I can’t just stop taking care of my body any time things get stressful, so I also need to find preventitive measures to make sure that all of the negative things above don’t happen again, and, on top of all that, I need to find a way to realistically decide, what I can promise others and myself, as to not keep feeling like I’m disappointing people and myself.

So yeah, that was my 2021 and the beginning of 2022. I know that it was a long post, so thank you for taking the time to read. It feels good to be back to writing and I’m hoping that I will be able to keep up with it.

Time to show you what I can do once I have regained my passion!

But for now, see (read) you in the next one! Please stay safe and healthy! ❀

~Luna


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Posted in Mentality

Procrastination Frustration

Most of us know it, many of us do it: procrastinating. Including me, so in today’s post I want to talk to you about my experiences with procrastination and why it annoys me so much.

But before we dive deeper into my personal story and experiences, we first have to answer the question: what even is procrastination? Essentially, the act of procrastinating means to postpone something to “later” but the problem about this is nobody, not even you yourself really knows when this “later” is going to be. You just don’t wanna do it right now and so do other things instead. Those can either also be productive things like cleaning or doing work around the house or, and this is the more likely version of procrastination, spending the time watching videos, playing video games, being on social media etc. Now, I’m not saying that those are bad things to do, ef no, I do them myself often enough, and they are definitely great leisure time activities.

So if the activities themselves are not the problem, then what is it? It’s the time you do them in/ the activity you do them instead of. Say, you have a big project due soon-ish and it is so much work that you don’t know where to start. The smart and probably correct thing to do would be to just start, anywhere, doesn’t matter where as long as you do it, after all you can go back, revise your work and improve it. As a procrastinator, however, you do the exact opposite and just spend your time doing other things for so long that it gets too late for you to do the actual work and so you end up postponing it to the next day. And then rinse and repeat until the deadline is literally in a few days, you panic, have to pull an allnighter (or multiple) and the project ends up being rushed.

Sounds horrible right? Why would anyone do that to themselves?

Well, here is the thing, I don’t know. I don’t know, why I don’t get up early in the morning, do my work straight away and then have the rest of the day for whatever it is I want to do. It sounds like such a nice thing to have and yet I rarely ever manage to do so. I don’t even really know when I started procrastinating. I can only remember that I suddenly started doing it and have been doing it ever since. And man, does it suck! πŸ˜…

Getting instant gratification from doing all those leisure time activities when you’re not supposed to be doing them doesn’t even feel good. You feel unhappy, guilty and there is this little voice in the back of your mind that constantly goes: “you should be doing work, have you thought about your work?, why are you doing this? you know that you’re gonna be angry at yourself, if you keep this up”…. and so on and so forth. I know all of this and yet it is so hard to break this habit. It’s like being on a roller coaster that goes around and around and around and I’m already sick from the ride and I wanna get off it but at some point some part of my mind has decided that this is my life now and we’re gonna have fun on this ride!

Some people that are non-procrastinators will now probably think “but Luna, this seems to be just an issue of conquering your weaker self, you just have to learn how to be stronger than that!” and yeah, honestly? You’re right, it is absolutely just that. And I guess that is what frustrates me so much about it. Sometimes it works out: I get up earlier, plan out my day, take regular breaks and just get stuff done; and it feels fantastic!
There are techniques that work for me as well: bullet journaling really helps me out, so does breaking tasks down to smaller junks and I have also started to actively decide against working when I feel like I can’t concentrate or lack the motivation to do so, if I have the freedom to do so, of course. All of those things are helping but it would be so much easier, if I could just get off this ride and move on. πŸ˜…

I guess the only way out of this really is to keep working on myself and my mindset. However, writing this post, I have also realized something. Not all procrastination is bad I would even go as far as to say that there are even some kinds that are beneficial! Sometimes you might not want to rush into things that you might end up unhappy with/in. That could be jobs, relationships or other bigger choices in life that you might wanna think over again or maybe you have already made a choice, you ended up being unhappy with and now you want to change something by leaving it be for a while in order to pursue something that interests you more.

All of those are situations where you might want to procrastinate a little bit in order to find out what you really want or what really works for you and that is more than okay because if the opportunity presents itself, why not do something that really makes you happy?

~Luna

Still… can someone call a theme park worker, please? I’d like to get off this ride now.


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    Posted in Life

    Next Stop: Nostalgia Valley!

    Today I want to share with you my history with video games, what they mean to me and how Twitch plays a role in all of this. So I hope you’re ready for some nostalgia and story-time. 😊

    Video games have always been a part of me, since I was little. I used to watch my parents play them in fact. My dad introduced me to games like Sacred or later on Guild Wars, whereas my mum, despite also playing those games, shared her love for Anno and Sims with me. They both showed me how much fun it can be to just tune out from the real world for a few hours and immerse yourself in a digital one.

    Fast forward a few years and your girl is now eight years old and has finally convinced her parents to get her her first handheld gaming console for her birthday. It was a Game Boy Advance and it had this awesome silver and black design on it that looked like flames.(Can you tell I still love this console? xD) I was over the moon when I got it and from then on Super Mario, Rayman and Spyro basically became my life and I loved every second of it!

    I got my first computer when I was 11. I remember the day vividly, my dad had put his old PC-set-up in my room, so the boys at my birthday party would have something to play with. Little did he know that it was me who spent basically my entire birthday party glued to the screen xD. It took a little bit of convincing but eventually I got to keep the PC in my room. It was one of those old CRT-monitors that were common back then (and my god those things were huge ^^) and a mouse and a keyboard that looked whole lot different from what most of us, including myself, have nowadays. I just realized I’m making this sound like I’m sooo old when in reality I’m 23; makes me realize how fast the tech world is changing ^^. It was then that I discovered my first ever RPG – Sacred. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent playing this game over the years, trying it out with different characters, even playing it together with my mum via LAN, it was a hell of a lot of fun. Sacred paved the way for my love for PC-games and while I still enjoy playing games on hand held consoles or other consoles, PC-gaming is my main thing.

    Video games have helped me through some difficult times in life, where all I wanted to do was to turn off my brain for a little bit, tune out and focus on a world that wasn’t this one. They have helped me discover beautiful worlds and made me feel successful, strong and powerful when I wasn’t feeling like that in real life. They have helped me step back from problems by blocking them out for a bit, which enabled me to go back to those problems after they have had time to simmer a bit and I was able to look at them from a more objective angle. They have shaped a big part of me into what I am today and I will be forever grateful that to this day this is something my whole family enjoys and we can bond over.

    Now, how does Twitch fit into all of this? This joy, emotion and all of the things that video games gave me, and are still giving me, are things I want to share with the world. I want to connect with like-minded people and interact with them, giving both myself and them a place where they can belong and give them an opportunity to smile, laugh or simply to focus on something else for a while. All of these content creators that I watch or read have given me so much and my goal is to be able to do the same.

    Being a content creator has always been something that I wanted to do and now I’m finally starting to do so. It’s scary and exciting at the same time and there are still a lot of hurdles that I have to overcome and I’m aware that there will be a lot of hurdles in the future as well. The path I have taken is not gonna be an easy one but I am convinced it is going to be worth it in the end; and as I learn and improve, my content hopefully will too!

    Thank you for taking the time to read this little insight into my life and my thoughts. I hope all of you are staying safe and well. ❀

    ~Luna~


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